The art of suffering (CKS included)

I wake up at 4 a.m.

Water to hydrate, water to wake up, water. The computer is the only company I need. Everything else is already inside my mind. Maybe a little shaken by the pressure. A little hazy between the doubt of being ready and the remorse of not having studied enough.

But time ran out. Now I have to sit in front of the computer and give my best for two hours.

—

The wait in the validation line only raises the tension. My shoulders start to feel tight. But I haven’t even started!

It’s the fifth exam and I still can’t get past the nerves. Maybe I never will. Because it’s an epic battle against myself. And I sure know how to fight myself.

—

Finally my turn comes. I have to show my surroundings. When I get to showing my hands without a watch and my ears to prove I have nothing on me, disbelief hits me.

Why would anyone cheat on such an important assessment?

Maybe it’s my naivety talking. The one that demands I study even when I don’t feel like it. The one that tells me that if the road hasn’t been walked, the destination is irrelevant. But I can’t believe people arrive willing to do anything for a badge. When the most important thing is the road traveled.

—

And after they explain the rules — which boil down to “don’t be a cheater and earn this through effort” — the battle begins.

Doubt appears. The thought: All of this happens because you don’t practice English. Read carefully and slowly, you can’t afford to misread now.

What the hell is this?

I move to another question and: ah, this one I know. I do it every day.

Another question and: what’s the damn parameter? Damn mouse, scroll faster.

One more and: what on earth do you want me to do?

Attempts and more attempts. I take three breaths. I look at the clock and an hour is already gone.

I close my eyes and try to convince myself that I do know. That I can’t stop until I reach the end.

—

I finally reach the end and twenty minutes remain. But I have so many notes on the whiteboard that I don’t know where to start again.

Go!, copy one file access rule and don’t pay much attention to the format. You just need one piece of data. And don’t forget to verify that the pod ends up running.

And then the alert pops up: fewer than 5 minutes left.

You still have one question left. But I have no idea what to do.

Indeed, reading the documentation is not enough. I soon realize that what I actually should have done was read the question more calmly. But with thirty seconds left, nothing can be changed.

—

The exam ends and there is uncertainty.

I didn’t manage to finish the whole exam. But I did get several things right. The challenge was equal or worse than last time when I failed. But today I came better prepared. Or at least I hope so.

—

It’s now 6:30 a.m. and I already feel wrecked, even though the day is just beginning.

I have time to close my eyes for a few minutes. I try to relax my shoulders, which feel like they’ve carried the whole world. I have a coffee and start the day.

At least daily activities take away some of the anxiety that uncertainty brings. It’s better not to think much about the result and focus on not falling asleep.

—

The day ends and the voice comes back: What if you don’t pass?

And you try to lie to yourself the best you can: if I don’t pass, it’s no big deal. Even though you know that’s a lie. I know perfectly well what will happen because this is not the first time I’ve failed this exam. And the reproach arrives: I remember the hours when I preferred to browse LinkedIn. Or when the YouTube video was more appealing. So the night gets short, with constant awakenings.

—

First thing in the morning you check your phone and there’s nothing. You sync several times but no new emails show up.

I look for a way to sleep a little more. No luck.

And then, the news arrives. I want to see it and at the same time I don’t.

But a Congratulations! always changes the game.

—

And I think: I did it! A whole year has not been in vain.

Now it’s time to share with family and friends. And yes, congratulations is the word I receive.

A few days later I realize that nothing happened. I didn’t win anything.

I only took a few steps in the direction of endless learning. And the only thing I’m sure of is that I still have so much more to learn.

—

So I close the computer and think to myself:

See you in the next battle.